Common Support Mistakes (and What to Do Instead)

Source: Training Development Resources/Support Skills — "peer support skill deep dive: common mistakes we make when supporting others & what to do differently" (Project LETS)

A practical, example-driven guide to the ways well-meaning support goes wrong, written from a mad/disabled/neurodivergent-led peer support perspective. Highly usable almost verbatim in coach training.

The core failure pattern: wanting to fix or eradicate someone else's problem, or "save" them — which shifts the focus onto the supporter's own discomfort rather than the person in distress.

Two flavors of the "fix it" impulse:

• Fixing the problem itself: rushing to solve, giving unsolicited direction ("why don't you just—"), interpreting ("I think this is because of—"), assigning blame. Often a knee-jerk reaction to your own discomfort with not having an immediate answer.
• Fixing the uncomfortable emotion ("silver-lining it"): dismissing or minimizing negative emotion because it's uncomfortable to sit with — "at least...", "you're still lucky that...", repeating "you are not alone" as a reflex rather than a genuine response.

"You poor thing" (pity): treating someone's disclosure of a hard thing as proof their whole identity is tragic, rather than naming the systemic issue (ableism, stigma) underneath it. Increases the power gap between supporter and supported and creates distance from the actual feeling.

"I know just how you feel" (co-opting): sharing your own story can be powerful when done with intention — the warning signs it's becoming co-opting are: jumping to your own experience before holding space for theirs, using the moment to vent or seek empathy for yourself, or sharing because it feels good for you rather than useful for them.

Dignity of risk: a Disability Rights concept — mad, disabled, and neurodivergent people have often had the right to take risks and make imperfect decisions stripped from them "for their own good." Good intentions ("I just want what's best for them") are the same justification systems use to override people's autonomy. Respecting someone's right to make a decision you disagree with is part of the job, not a failure of care.

What good support actually looks like in practice — concrete language modeled in the source:

• Offering information without forcing it: "I hear that this feels insurmountable right now, and this feels like the best approach to you. I also want to name this isn't the only option — I'd be glad to talk through others, and all the risks and benefits, if you want. Ultimately this is your decision and I just want you to feel informed."
• Validating without rushing to problem-solve: "Thank you for sharing this. I know you're not ready to take action yet, and I'm not going to rush into problem-solving mode — but when you are, I'm here. For now, I'm grateful you opened up, and I'm here to listen."
• Processing your own activation with your own support system, rather than putting that burden back on the person you're supporting.